Heart Exposed

ex·pose  ( k-sp z )

tr.v. ex·posed, ex·pos·ing, ex·pos·es

1.  To subject or allow to be subjected to an action, influence, or condition: exposed themselves to disease; exposed their children to classical music.

Today, I’m feeling funny, but not in that humorous way. Today, I’m what I normally call “Soul Tired”- which means I have to eat healthier, feast on the Goodness of Jesus more intentionally.

Emotions are interesting. I use to think they were bad due to a few bad days and a terrible misreading of the expression “We don’t go by how we feel”.

Emotions are good. Positive and negative, emotions are good. Emotions are the affective state of consciousness in which we experience all of life. They are the means by which we tangibly feel relationship and connection to people, place, and things.

So today, my emotions are funny.

When I feel uncertain, I feel vulnerable and like most people, I’m not a huge fan of vulnerability. Vulnerability is staying open even when people are, as Brett would say, “touching the broken”.

When we were children and we got a splinter in our hand, it hurt. But we’d fight the person trying to get it out because we thought that would hurt worse, even though the only way for it to heal was to remove the thing that doesn’t belong.

Well, I feel like someone is touching the broken, and I know that its Holy Spirit trying to remove the “splinter” from my soul, but never the less, I’m holding my breath like that’s somehow going to help. (Blogger’s note: One should not hold their breath to deal with pain… it leads to passing out, which leads to more pain.)

Vulnerability has this nakedness about it. This exposing of things you never wanted to be; or things you never wanted others to see. So I feel like my heart is exposed when I’m vulnerable like one can see my raw influence, my condition. Right where I am, right now, I’m feeling exposed. But as true as that is, it’s in this that I became aware that my exposure, stems from His exposure.

He exposed Himself on the cross for me. He painted a picture of glorious vulnerability, blissful exposure when he allowed himself to be subject to the condition of uncertainty; in order that I might be gloriously vulnerable, blissfully exposed to the condition of His certainty His sonship. When I stand in the reality that exposure was never a bad thing that my vulnerability allows me to be subject to His life- his joy, and peace, it makes uncertainty seem more certain.

So, today I’ve been listening to the Fray for hours…. And if you know me, you can draw your own conclusion from that.

I’m not saying, that I’m now certain of the plan or what I’m doing. But I’m saying that I’m blissfully exposed to the influence of Goodness- and that’s certain to bear fruit.

Inspiration: The individual.

 

“This I believe: That the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual.”

-John Steinbeck.

He Loves Me…

Sitting in church last night -listening and receiving as Ms. Alicia sang “How He Loves”, I recall so many times having heard that song and it takes me back to the first time.  July 7th, 2007, standing in the stadium of L.P. Field in Nashville Tennessee, at theCall, I listening as the simplicity of that song defeated all my self-efforts.

I remember John Mark McMillan standing on the stage, at 5:30 in the afternoon, the sun shifting behind him and he sang “.. you met me between my breaking..”  and tears filled my eyes because that’s exactly where I was.

I spent years of my life trying hard to bring God to me because I didn’t understand that He already brought me out and up to where He is. And I was tired of “believing” or my lack there of. Still I continued in my insanity.

However, recently, I gave it up. And then it was quiet in me. Chaos ceased. Silence filled the chambers of my heart and I stood at a standstill.

I walked around my empty heart; my bare feet touching the hardwood floor, and my fingers tracing the character of the exposed brick walls. It was dark, because the only light was streaming in through the window, from a street lamp outside. The air was cold and lifeless. No furniture to make it home, no food in the icebox.

Everything was gone, emptied, all but 2 cardboard boxes in the corner of the room. One labeled “Memories” and the other “What I believe”. I opened the second box and stared at what’s real and what’s not all mixed in together, and I was blank.

So, I sat down in the floor, and in the dark, empty, silence of my heart, I began to look for every truth I knew of Him… which turned out to be very little because most of what I thought was lie. And after searching for the truth all I found was…..

He Loves Me. 

And I rehearsed that, a thousand times, until the light came on… one lightbulb hanging from exposed wire lit the whole room.

So I took that second box, and emptied it out of the window. I watched all of my theology fall to the street.

Sitting it back on the floor, I placed inside one thought. One simple, free, feral belief:

He Loves Me.

And maybe that’s just it, the “plain and simple” of the Gospel. He romanced us all the way through death and released us into Freedom at the resurrection of our hearts through the redemption of His body.

He Loves Us. And that’s what I believe.

My mind keeps repeating to itself the prophetic picture of Christ in Isaiah 53.

He had no “glow” of splendor that required my attention.

Yet still while my eyes were wondering, He absorbed- [swallowed up] my identity, my DNA, my nature as a child of Adam, my condition, my sin and shame into His flesh. When Divinity stepped into humanity, He took everything in His body – including me.

And that Body went through the brutality of the cross, the echo of the grave, and the horror of hell………. And so did I.

He broke open the way (Micah 2:13 -The opener of the way will go up before them: forcing their way out they will go on to the doorway and out through it: their king will go on before them, and the Lord at their head. -BBE Version) and enchanted, I followed.  Because He is continually leading me in the Triumphal procession (2 Corinthians 2:14-But thank God! He has made us his captives and continues to lead us along in Christ’s triumphal procession. Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere, like a sweet perfume. – NLT), the after party of the Cross!

Toward the end of the picture Isaiah painted, he said: “But the LORD was pleased To crush Him, putting Him to grief; If He would render Himself as a guilt offering, He will see His offspring, He will prolong His days, And the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in His hand.”

And I could never understand how the Father could call that pleasure and be pleased by it…

But now I see that it’s a beautiful picture of a Happy Dad, who receives back, not one but many sons from the dead.

Before, I was dead in my own conscious. My sense of right and wrong were the death of me.

But aware that I was present for the defeat of sin, the conquering of the grave and the revival of my own heart, I now live in an active relationship with that Happy Dad.

Because He Loves Me. And that’s what I believe.

Delighted

I lived in the graveyard. I lived in a pit.

My heart was black and blue from condemnation and guilt.

I was unaware of Goodness- I was blind to what is real.

I believed life was a cold horror, and living it was proof of the impossible.

And He walked right in- straight into death- right into the depth of hell and opened my eyes to see, there was nothing holding me. No chains. No defeat. I’ve already been ransomed, already redeemed.

I was simply lost in the transition of Freedom.

So my heart can’t help but breathe in the delight of the Father toward me and I realized He is goodness. And that stirs a hurricane of emotions in me- it broke everything I thought and reminded me of the dream of Eden deep within me; my first nature, my last nature.

Jesus.

He is the Vine, and I, His branches.

My reality is oneness with the Father, oneness with the Son. I am sustained in Him. I only exist inside of Him.

The more aware I become of our oneness, the more I feel as though He is smothering in me… But I don’t want Him to stop.

It’s like taking a deep breathe of something and then feeling it in your lungs.

This is why I am delighted to be alive and free.

3 Days…

It’s obvious I’m back from Kansas City. However, I still haven’t posted about that trip yet. So here I go.

So it finally came.. The day I had been waiting for for 2 months. It was Monday, May 16th, 2011.

Day 1.

It started out normal, coffee, an exchange of words with my mother, a hot shower… Mmm.

Then, I was dressed and going through my list, checking off things left and right, and then I spent 5 full minutes sitting on my suitcase to get it zipped… Success.

It’s now about 9:30 and I’m out the door, errands to run.

9:36- The train is blocking my way to Rebecca’s. So I drive in reverse up the street and arrive.

9:40- Gathering up what I need.. I’m out the door.

9:43- I’m at the bank.

9:50- My car is dies.. I’m laughing… really hard. I fix it.. And home I go.

10:20- I’ve loaded the car and off to Jacksonville, Florida I head.

2 Hours later I’m standing in JAX and I’m smiling because I love this airport, it holds a lot of memories for me.

So I grab a very quick lunch with my mother and kiss her goodbye before I head through security. She seems calm, but more than calm, she seems full of peace. I like that. I feed off the peace of Jesus as it makes itself evident in the lives of others.

Security down, I find my gate and scramble to return phones calls. I’m playing phone tag.

Boarding the plane I remember how much I love the whole feeling of traveling, but more than that I am extremely excited to have dinner with Leah… A dinner I have been waiting to have for months.

So 5 hours and 2 states later I walk out of a terminal to my best friend! It was one of those hugs that lasted longer than your expected but not to the awkward point haha

This is the awesome sign she made me.. and then forgot to bring…

Day 2.

So while in Kansas City- I had some very much needed heart-to-heart time.. Ate Indian, shopped, had excellent coffee, and got a tattoo.

This is my “double portion” coffee- Meaning, I bought coffee, drank it and then the guy realized that he had given me the wrong size and brought me a pretty one.

This is Leah’s cupcake.. it was divine.

Indian food. Mmm Delicious.

So once you’ve shopped and eaten there’s really only one thing else to do…

 Get a Tattoo.

A lot of people have asked for my reasoning behind getting this tattoo and my reply is this:

I used to be the most unsatisfied, discontent, frustrated, and burned out individual you would meet. I was always uncomfortable and trying to make myself better so that I could find peace in that, and then just a few years ago I saw Jesus for the first time. I realized that the only veil that kept him from me was one that I put up, because reality is that the veil was torn in the temple at the crucification and as traumatic as that was, it was a clear and beautiful sign of our ability to see Christ and to look face-to-face with the Father.  There are no more veils- I can see straight into the deepest parts of Him. And as that became what I believe, it bore fruit in my life of joy and peace and satisfaction. I draw from His satisfaction in me.

What I began to see was that Divinity kissed Humanity and that satisfied me.

So that’s that.

Day 3.

Moving Day. After we assessed that all of Leah’s stuff wasn’t going to fit into the car, we then had the spirit of “Lewis” come on us… and let’s just say that everything made it home. We were tired and already over it and it was only 9AM….. Oh yes.

So coffee and pancakes later.. we got gas and headed toward home, with all intentions of stopping outside of Nashville and getting some sleep. HA!

Kansas City to Louisville

Now this is the part of the story where I interject that somewhere along I-57 Leah piped up with a grand idea “What if we just drove straight through? Then I can surprise everyone in the morning!” to which I replied “…Okay, Let’s.” And after a few “Are you serious?” ‘s we decided to not tell anyone and drive through.. It was the best and stupidest decision we ever made. Hahaa

By the time…We had hit an unusual state of delirium.

Kentucky.

This conversation was

Luke: Hey! Guess what movie I just rented.

Leah: What?

Leah then looking at Me and saying watch him say “No Strings Attached”.

Luke: No Strings Attached.

Haha… She’s good.

Back to the Road

Nashville.

So we went to target.. because you just need things for other things… so you go to target. Hm. Then we got dinner at Olive Garden. Yum.

Then switching places.. Leah took a nap as I hit I-75 headed toward Atlanta.

However, if you are in this lane with 1 or more persons at,say, 3:58pm… You will be removed by a Transformer. And Geico will not cover that.

Atlanta.

We were almost run over by a 18wheeler when we were in Atlanta at 1:30Am… And there’s video feed to prove it. And that proves that I laugh really hard in near death experiences.

We pulled into my drive way at 3:34AM on Thursday.

Hahaha. It was a great 72 plus hours. A good 1000 plus miles. A excellent 5 things we vowed never to discuss with a third party. It was good trip.